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Life has been crazy, and I mean CRAZY, these last few weeks and I have struggled quite a bit with trying to balance everything that’s going on in my life right now. Between cosmetology school, the kids, the household stuff, running kids here and there in the evenings, I have gotten extremely overwhelmed more than once in the last month. So much so in fact, that I caused myself to have a panic attack, which then caused me to develop vertigo. I had no idea the two were related at first, though.
I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned before that I have anxiety with panic attacks and bouts of depression. I was in therapy for quite some time trying to deal with it and I was on medication to help control it. When I started school, I had to stop going to therapy, which I was okay with because I had made major improvements in the time I had been in therapy and I felt okay with moving on. I also stopped ta
king my medication because it was causing me to have sleep issues, extreme restless legs, and I was feeling so much better that I didn’t think I needed it anymore, so I stopped taking it (without asking my doctor first, by the way, which I do not recommend you do). Up until the last couple of weeks, I was doing great as far as handling all the craziness that has become my life. I was thinking positively, I had so much stuff going for me, I have so much to look forward to in the near future. Everything was and is going great I kept thinking, but it wasn’t really, even though I had fooled myself into thinking it was.
Every time I’d start to get a little bit frustrated with the disorder of the house, or with one of my kids, my husband, or even just something completely unimportant, I’d tell myself that everything was going to be fine. I’d click on that positive mindset and wouldn’t let any kind of negativity in whatsoever.
Well, then, last weekend it all hit me at once. Reality set in. I came home from school on a Friday, walked into my house, and it was a complete mess. It seriously looked like a tornado had come through. Laundry was piled up (both dirty and clean). The kids were fighting. I hadn’t done so great on a test I’d taken that day. I was extremely tired and all the kids were sitting around in the living room watching TV or playing on their electronic devices. I lost it. I broke down and I had the first panic attack I’d had in quite a few months. Nothing was getting done while I was gone all day, even the stuff that I would specifically ask for someone to do during the day before I’d leave for school wasn’t getting done. Even after the panic attack dissipated, I was stuck in the negative mindset again, thinking I can’t do this. It’s all too much. I can’t go to school and be a mom and housewife at the same time. It’s not going to work. I need to quit school to stay home so stuff gets done. I wanted to just give up everything I’d worked so hard to accomplish. I was seriously ready to call it quits on school. I even mentioned something to my husband, and he told me absolutely not, you’re not quitting. I let the topic go for the time being, but the thought stayed in my head for the next few days.
Later on during the weekend I started getting really dizzy. It didn’t matter if I was standing, sitting, lying down, walking, had my eyes closed or open, I was dizzy. It was constant and it wouldn’t go away. I ended up missing two days of school because I was so dizzy I couldn’t drive. I finally went to the doctor and was told I had vertigo for which there is no cure, but it can be treated, so I was prescribed some meds to combat the dizziness and was told if it didn’t improve soon to go back to the doctor. I had no idea what had caused the vertigo. The doctor had said that most commonly it’s caused when someone gets a cold that settles in the inner ear, but I hadn’t had a cold. I took his word for it and went on my way. As I was reading over the paperwork I’d been given about vertigo, it mentioned that anxiety and panic disorders can cause it. A light bulb came on in my head and it was at that point that I connected the timing of my panic attack with the start of the dizziness and realized that is likely what caused it.
Needless to say, it has been a very overwhelming, emotional rollercoaster of highs and lows around here lately and I just need to stay in that positive mindset and look for ways to manage everything a little bit better. I’m NOT going to give up on my dreams, even though sometimes I might want to. Those are the moments when the fear sets in and my weaknesses peek through. No one ever said it was going to be easy to accomplish everything I want to in life and I have to stop thinking that’s it’s going to be. If it was that easy to make our dreams come true, everyone would be living their dream life right from the start and there wouldn’t be anything left to strive for.
When things get tough and I start to get overwhelmed, I need to just sit back and breathe. I need to look ahead to the future and where all of what’s happening right now is going to lead me. I have goals I want to meet, dreams I want to catch, and every single one of them are entirely possible, but they won’t be if I just give up and that thought is what keeps me going. I know where I want my life to be in a year’s time and there’s no way I’ll get there if I give up right now. I have to keep going, keep pushing through, keep thinking positive, keep overcoming those fears to get to where I want to be in the near future, and so do YOU!